Blog #6: Product of Divorce

As the child to parents who have gone through a VERY messy divorce, I can tell you that it takes a tole. It takes a toll on the family, the children, the parents, the grandparents, etc...

Sometimes it affects you in ways you are not even aware of.

I tend to not deal with emotions well, so I kind of numb myself when it comes to pain or trauma. Which isn't very healthy I've learned over the years.

When I was young, 5 years old when my parents officially divorced, I thought those were the hardest times of my life; and they were at the time. Little did I know that, unfortunately, there were many more tough times ahead.

Since I was so young, I don't really have too many memories of my parents together. I do have the memory of an elephant, so there are a few moments that stand out in my mind.

The first and probably most traumatic memory was of my parents fighting and the cops being called. My father went upstairs and started packing his suitcase. I asked him if I could go with him, and with tears in his eyes he said no, but that he would see me soon.

Just writing this I am in tears. That pain captured my youth and I held it in for years. It wasn't until I was a little older, maybe around 10 years old, when I broke down to my aunt, uncle and cousins on my dad side.

I remember my cousin, Ben, saying "I knew it!", as if to say "I knew she was holding in her pain".

And it was true then, and to some extent it is still true today. As a major people-pleaser, my whole life I basically held it all in and made sure everyone around me was fine. I am just now practicing putting myself first. (See previous blog on setting boundaries).

So it was a rough time. And the divorce never really ended. My dad fought for custody until the day he died, when I was 17.

At that time mothers usually got primary custody. The arrangement was that my sister and I visited my dad every other weekend. My voice wasn't really heard, as I was so young. I think the courts and my parents were trying to protect us from having to choose sides.

As I grew older the tension never really dissipated. We were not supposed to be put in the middle, but we were many times. Especially as we grew old enough to understand what was really going on, and my parents felt more comfortable passing notes to each other through us. It really came to a head when DCF charges were brought up and family members were forced to "choose sides", but all that drama is for another story.

I do have to commend my dad for doing everything in his power to shelter us throughout the process, and our whole lives, no matter how old we got. And I have to commend my mom for being a single mother with 2 kids, before she met her current husband. I know it couldn't have been easy.

There are only so many ways to shelter and protect children when a family is torn apart. Everyone knows the statistic that half of marriages end in divorce, which is truly sad for all parties involved. If you take anything from this, I encourage you to seriously contemplate all factors that go into the sacred union beforehand- ESPECIALLY if there are children involved, or if you plan to have children.

But sometimes it's inevitable. I truly believe my parents made the right decision. I think the amount of contention between them was not healthy for any of us. I am happy that both my mother and father were able to move on and find love in their own lives.

I love my mom and step-dad, and I loved (and still love) my dad and his partner. So yeah, it was rough. It was painful. It was traumatic. I'm sure I have residual issues associated with the whole situation, but I can't let the past dictate my present and future.

I can only look my kids in the eyes, love them, and promise to protect them in the same way my father did for my sister and I all those years ago. I can work with my husband, in good times and bad, to keep my family together (if it is the healthiest thing for him and I). I pray that we never have to face that decision. I pray I can shelter my kids from that pain; realistically I know I can't keep them in a bubble, as much as I want to, but if I can avoid them going through half the pain I went through, then I'd be a happy mommy.

Have you guys been through a messy divorce, or divorce in general? Are you the child of divorce like myself? Let me know! I truly appreciate all the love and support I have received thus far! The messages I receive from friends, family, loved ones and even strangers truly touches my heart and motivates me to keep sharing.

So as much as I hate saying "like, comment and share" (one, because it's kind of over done and two, because, well do whatever you want lol I'm not gonna tell you what to do), I do love when my posts connect or resonate with others. I'm sad that so many people can relate to such tough topics, but I am happy people feel comfortable opening up to me and trying to deal with pain in a healthy way!

So once again THANK YOU!!

Love always,
Veronica

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