Blog #4: My Sexual Abuse Story
This blog is a tough one for me... Part of me thinks it is way too personal, the other part of me is convinced it is important to share this situation... ESPECIALLY in light of this whole Kavanaugh debacle. I really considered not doing it at all, but all of this drama has put sexual abuse in the spotlight, and I feel compelled to be as open and honest as possible about my own personal experience as I can. I have had a few sexual moments that were extremely uncomfortable, but one stands out in my mind.
I was raped in college and I didn't tell anyone for years. In fact, I changed the narrative of that awful experience to sound like I had consensual sex with a man that deliberately forced himself on me. That isn't true. Here's the story...
I was out with a few girlfriends I met while going to UCF. I didn't know these girls too well, but I wanted to meet new people as I had only been at the university for one semester. We went to a bar, drank, danced and had a good time. I was 18, but had my sisters license and used that everywhere to be able to drink. It always worked.
Mind you, this was around the time I started drinking to numb the pain from the death of my father. So it was a bad combination- a young, drunk and vulnerable girl at the club. The guy walked up to me at the end of the night and invited me to his house. I looked for the girls and in a blur agreed to follow him to his house. Big mistake.
It stated off fine. Him offering me drinks, taking me to his lake on the pier to spit game. I thought "oh my goodness, he's smart, handsome, charming & sweet! He's the perfect guy...". Then it started to get weird. He insisted we watch a movie in his room. I fought him a little bit and started sensing weird vibes. I remember there being an older man on the couch. The guy explained him as a roommate and showed me to his room.
Not to get too personal, but I feel it is relevant to the topic; I was a virgin until I was 18. I had only had sex with one other man in my life... and this guy I had just met wanted to have sex. The more I protested, the firmer he got, until I was actually scared.
I remember him having sex with me, then finishing. Next thing I know, I'm trying to leave ASAP, but he wants to go again. I literally ran to my car and drove drunk back to my apartment. The next day I told my best friends that I "hooked up" with this awesome guy. I don't know if I was in denial or just trying to convince everyone around me that I was fine. Either way, I lied to the people who were closest to me.
I tended to do that at that time. At my dads funeral I was making sure everyone else around me was ok; Until the moment that they closed his casket and I dropped to the ground and every uncle I have had to pick me up. I'm not trying to be too personal or make anyone uncomfortable I am just saying there are many situations that two people enter into and end up leaving with two different perspectives.
I know I was raped. I can start to accept it. I'm not fully healed yet, but that will take time. I also know that I am in the best place I've ever been and I am no longer going to give energy to the guy that ruined sex for me for many years. He's not worth it.
Thank you for letting me get this off my chest. I hope this story resonates with someone who may have experienced a similar trauma, and I pray for healing for every victim of a sexual attack, including Dr. Christine Blasey.
If this situation (Blasey vs. Kavanaugh) has compelled you-in either direction- I strongly suggest you register to vote! See button below...
And PLEASE, if you have been through a similar situation or any kind of sexual abuse, tell someone! Tell a trusted friend or adult as soon as possible or call the National Sexual Assault Hotline:
1-800-656-4673
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