Blog #1o: The Story Behind 'Don't Judge Me'

Hi guys! So I have been asked a few times how I came up with the title for my book and blog. There is actually a pretty good story behind it. In this blog I will briefly tell you where 'Don't Judge Me' stems from, and why it is so relevant to my life!

Just as a precursor, if you are a close relative or loved one, and do not like reading the personal/ painful details of my past, you might want to skip this post. Yes the story comes from a moment of great pain, but I hope you see the positive side of the story, and see how far I have come from that dark place!

OK, so long story (probably not-so) short, as I mentioned in previous blogs (Blog #1: Get To Know Me), I was arrested in 2013 and charged with some pretty serious stuff. Just to recap, I was 21, in a VERY bad head space, and got 9 felony charges my first arrest ever! That whole experience was extremely difficult, painful and also necessary, I feel. 

Looking back, I can see God working in my life, even when I thought He had abandoned me! I needed that time out to one, recover & heal, and two, to stop and take a good look at my life and face my demons head on. I plan to post a future blog detailing those 3 months, but for the purpose of this post, I will just provide a brief timeline of events. 

I had been in jail maybe 2 months at this point, and it was complete hell. My charges put me in a position where I was under the maximum restriction possible in the jail- a 2- deputy escort-meaning I was such a 'danger' that I needed two police officers to escort me wherever I went. I didn't get 23 hour solitary confinement,  like most murderers on death row got, no. I got one 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, lock down my entire stay. I was not allowed to make phone calls, or have visitation, or use canteen- the only "perks" of jail. I'll spare you every gory detail, but ironically I was arrested Father's Day weekend, and spent my first 3 days in jail under strict suicide watch.

If you're wondering what I did, see the picture below. As much as I would like to hide my charges, as they paint me to be a monster, everything is public record. Plus I want to be as upfront and open as possible.

This page no longer shows all the original charges, just the down-filed ones.
This page no longer shows all the original charges, just the down-filed ones.

The picture above shows the main charges that landed me under such strict restrictions. What it does not show, are all of the original 9 charges, and also the fact that one of my charges had no bond, meaning even if I had the money to pay bail, I was not allowed out.

So my first weekend in jail was rough to say the least. As I said I was put under suicide watch, and the fact that it was a Friday, and I couldn't see a Doctor until the following Monday, made it that much worse. 

Couple that with the fact that it was Father's Day weekend, and you have a recipe for disaster. I had to wear a paper gown, that could only be changed out every few hours, I was not allowed anything that could possible endanger myself (ie. bed, pillow, blanket, etc...). I literally laid on the floor, withdrawing from drugs, and was constantly monitored. I was cold, alone, sick and completely broken. 

One part of those 3 days that stands out was when, on actual Fathers day, I connected with a nurse who had also lost his father. They checked on me every so often, and on one of his rounds I went up to the window and asked if his father was alive. He said no, and showed great compassion towards me. The next check he did, he found me completely naked, as I had ripped my paper gown to shreds, and spelled out "happy daddy's day" the best I could. He literally had tears in his eyes.

I say all this to paint a picture of an extremely painful moment, and also to show my resilience. When I am put in a situation, whether I put myself there or not, I try to make the best of it. I used the little food I got to create face and hair masks, I did whatever I had to do to survive those 3 days. I guess that's just what you do; You go into survival mode.

So back to the topic at hand, where does 'Don't Judge Me' come from? Well after getting off suicide watch, and being placed on the maximum restrictions, I adapted. I did everything I could not to lose my mind- and God was a big part of that. I talked to Him all day long, as if He were in the room, and I truly felt that He was. At around month 2 I was reading the bible, and trying to stay as positive as possible.

The big God moment came when I had just had enough. I was angry, and angry at God. I started yelling at the top of my lungs "GOD, IF YOU'RE HERE JUST SHOW ME!!! SHOW ME THAT YOU'RE REAL!". Literally within one minute, I saw two officers enter my unit. 

My eyes shot to them. I had learned at this point that they were most likely there for me, as I was the only female inmate that required a 2-deputy escort at the time. They walked over to me and said "you have a visit".

I assumed, with great joy, that it was a lawyer or social worker, because I wasn't allowed visitation up to that point. They walked me to a room, where I saw my mother and step-father looking at me through a glass window, waiting with phone in hand, and I lost it. I broke down. God showed me He was there, in the best way possible. I am literally in tears thinking back to that moment. No one can tell me my God is not real. I saw it first hand!

Now on to the positive part of the story! That visit was both extremely emotional and also the best part of my stay in jail. After all the tears, we got to talking and I mentioned that I was writing a book. My mother asked what I was gonna call it and I said, "Don't Judge Me..." and she immediately said "Oh I like that!". 

I explained to her that that wasn't the title, I just was asking her not to judge me on the actual title, which I believe was "From Prom Queen to Drug Fiend". We had a big laugh at the mix up, and she told me how she liked 'Don't Judge Me' better, and it stuck!

So that's it in a nutshell... 

I also use the phrase often in my life, both past and present. It became my motto, so to speak. And to this day, no matter how far I've come, I still face judgment far too often. 

I hope you got something out of this story. If you like my blog so far, and want to read more, please subscribe to my mailing list below.

Thanks for listening, and I hope to continue to use this blog as a positive outlet, and as a means to tell my side of the story!

Love Always,


P.S. My book is almost ready to be published! I have a few clerical issues I am clearing up first, but it is all written and ready to print!

If you want to pre-order it, click the link below to my PayPal Account. It will cost $9.99 and will be available on Amazon shortly!

Simply click below and type $9.99, and the money will go towards printing and manufacturing. I really appreciate any and all forms of payment or donation. This is something I have been working on for 5 years, and I am so excited to see it come to fruition!